Coming Out Swinging - Let’s Talk about Toxic Empathy

Oof. This is round one, Gabbie. No need to start this harsh. Can’t you talk about this topic sometime later on once you’ve established an audience? You don’t want people to turn away or offend anyone.

Nope. Might as well get it over with now because if we can’t survive this first topic, then we can’t survive this entire blog site.

Toxic empathy. Let me start off by saying I don’t believe I’m the one who has “coined” this phrase or concept. I came to my own conclusion of this thought, but I have heard a few other people use this phrase to describe this idea too.

So what is it? Let’s start by defining both words according the Merriam Webster dictionary:

-Toxic: Containing or being poisonous material; harsh, malicious or harmful

-Empathy: understanding or being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another

At this point, you may be thinking to yourself “I didn’t come here for an English lesson, Gabs.” May I submit to you that before we can truly understand a topic, we must first comprehend the definitions of what we are working with. Otherwise, we will find ourselves severely misinterpreting the entire point of the message.

So, toxic empathy…

Empathy itself is often heralded as a foundational means of human connection — a tool, a trait that helps us foster understanding, compassion and support for one another. It is a beautiful, and biblical, trait we should develop and is a key to having solid, deep relationships. It can fuel our compassion for one another and should be something we all strive to practice. Yet, when it’s starting point is not grounded in a biblical worldview, it can become skewed just like anything else we might consider “good” with our human brains. Any “good” thing that is practiced but is absent of Truth ends up becoming bleak, disordered, illogical, empty and… maybe even toxic. Yes, that’s right. It can become poisonous. Beneath the warm, comforting blanket of empathy, sometimes lies a darker counterpart that is actually rooted in pride, selfishness and a denial of truth. This type of “empathy” not only distorts our emotional landscape, but can also be highly detrimental to our grasp of truth and reality. “Just live your own truth.” Ever heard that little phrase? Or some variation of it? I’m sure you have. We all have, especially growing up in a postmodern Western context.

The rise of secular individualism at its peak… getting to define your own reality.

Foolishness, I say. As Christians, we have a responsibility to acknowledge when things are folly and blatantly untrue. Albeit, we must do so with love and never do it just for the sake of “being right”. For that is pride. Rather, we must do it BECAUSE of our empathy and compassion for others. True love does not deny truth. Love that would deny truth is not love…it is toxic empathy. It is a harmful practice that would rather allow others to stay lost in their own feelings of “reality” rather than gently coaxing them back into a place of sane, wholesome, life-giving Truth. We are faced with so much of this right now in our society. We are faced with the constant fear of offending or of being "cancelled" because we hold steadfast to logical truth. What an irrational fear to have. Last I checked, humanity didn't create me nor save me. Last I checked, it didn't do that for you either.

Unlike healthy empathy, which allows for understanding and support while maintaining personal boundaries, toxic empathy blurs those lines, leading to emotional exhaustion and skewed perceptions of reality. The pressure to "feel" for someone else can cloud judgment and prevent rational decision-making. For instance, if a friend is going through a tough time, toxic empathy might compel you to wallow in their despair or affirm their “reality” rather than speak truth and encourage them to think logically and seek constructive solutions. Sometimes it can make us think we are taking the “moral high ground” by not speaking truth because we would rather not offend. 

Sorry that’s not my style.

Our empathy, as Christians, is being preyed upon in this current climate. Don’t fall into the trap anymore. It is not "loving" to affirm a subjective belief that is wholly antibiblical. By prioritizing this emotional contagion over objective truth, toxic empathy can give platforms to harmful narratives. We must find a healthy balance of empathy and truth. When we try to make subjective feelings become objective reality, we inadvertently dismiss important facts or rational perspectives that lead to healthier outcomes for people. And we make excuses for sin and unholiness. Often, we take on this toxic trait because we ourselves are dealing (or have dealt) with something internally and are offended, so we don’t want anyone else to feel this way or we don’t want our own inner mess exposed. Or we desire to stand in solidarity with an ideaolgy that is wholly untrue simply for the sake of being “the hero.”

Hello, savior complex, you’re not Jesus. He has called you to stand solidly on the Gospel and share the truth, not become someone’s gospel. His truth is enough and it sets all of us free from confusion, offense, hate, cycles, distorted realities and fear. Stand on it.